How do I tell people that I am dying?

Urgent Support

In an emergency, call 000.

For crisis support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

For 24/7 telephone interpreting service, call TIS on 131 450. In an emergency, call 000 and ask for an interpreter (do not call TIS directly in an emergency).

It's very common to avoid talking about death. People can have very different experiences of grief when they find out that they are dying. There is no easy or right way to tell a person that you are dying. It can help to prepare and practice what to say and when to say it.

Cancer Council Victoria has these tips:

  • Decide who to tell and what you want to say.

  • When you're ready, choose a quiet place.

  • Only respond to their questions if you feel comfortable. You don’t have to share every detail.

  • Be prepared for people to react in different ways. Common reactions include becoming uncomfortable and not knowing what to say, getting upset, and denial.

Discussing your fears and concerns about death with trusted family and friends can often help you and them through the process. It is normal to have days when you don't feel like talking about it. And others might be unsure of what you want. Let people know if you are or are not comfortable with them acknowledging that you are dying and talking about it.

How to tell children

Children understand death differently to adults and their understanding changes as they grow.

There is no easy way to tell a child or children that you are dying. It will be confronting and difficult. It's normal to be protective, but children need time to prepare, just as adults do. Cancer Council Victoria has more information about talking to kids and offers these tips:

  • It may be easier to have your partner or a support person with you when you have the initial discussion.

  • Be honest with your children and explain the situation using straightforward words, such as ‘dying’ and ‘death’. Avoid terms such as ‘passed away,’ ‘lost’, ‘went to sleep’ or ‘resting’, which can be confusing or alarming for them. Don’t put unfair expectations on health care workers, for example, saying ‘the nurse is going to make it better'.

  • Keep your explanations as simple as possible, and be guided by their questions so you don’t offer more information than they may want or can handle.

  • Depending on their age, children may benefit from seeing a counsellor or play therapist.

Urgent Support

In an emergency, call 000.

For crisis support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14.

For 24/7 telephone interpreting service, call TIS on 131 450. In an emergency, call 000 and ask for an interpreter (do not call TIS directly in an emergency).

Conversation starters:

If your condition gets worse, what would you like me to do?

More information

Cancer Council Victoria

Coping with the news that you are dying

The Conversation

How young children understand death and how to talk to them about it

Dougy.org

Supporting children and teens when a family member is dying in a hospital or care facility

Cancer Council Victoria

Talking to Kids About Cancer

Palliative Care Australia

Dying to Talk Discussion Starters

The Victorian Paediatric Palliative Care Program

Canteen

Books and resources

Disclaimer:

This information is general guidance and may not be applicable to your specific circumstances. For personal advice, please contact a medical or legal practitioner or a spiritual, cultural or community leader.

This content was written for people in Victoria, Australia. Laws and practices differ in other states, territories and countries.

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