Conversations

Starting a conversation can be difficult. The topics and questions below may give you some ideas to begin with

Select a topic

Thinking about how you will be remembered is common as people get older, and especially people who are nearing the end of their life. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

How would you like to be remembered?

Is there anything you want people to know about you?

Is there anything you would like me to help you with?

What aspects of legacy, if any, are important to you?

Is there anything you want me to do after you die?

Where would you like to be buried or have your ashes placed?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

The question of whether someone wants to go home to die or stay in hospital can be difficult to answer on the spot, without a chance to think about or discuss it privately first. But this happens quite a lot. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

If you had to decide whether to die at home or in a hospital, which would you choose?

Does anything about dying in hospital worry you?

Does anything about dying at home worry you?

Have you thought about where you would like to be when you die?

What would you like in your final moments? (Such as music, readings or prayer.)

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

Traditions can be complex subjects. Every person and family is unique, and in end of life care settings you often have to ask for what you want. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

What cultural, religious or family traditions are important to you?

Are there any cultural rituals or traditions you would like to do?

Would you like to speak to a leader from your faith group?

Is there anything I can do to help organise this?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

The important things in life, and daily life, are different for every person and can change. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

What's important to you today, this week, this month?

Do you have any hopes and dreams you want to fulfill while you have time?

What's important to you about how you spend your time?

Have any of your wishes changed recently?

Do you have any last wishes I can help with?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

Mental wellbeing is important to people's experience of end of life. Feelings of strength, comfort and happiness make a huge difference to their quality of life. Here are some ways to give someone the chance to talk about what makes them feel happy.

Try asking:

What makes you the happiest?

If you could do one thing today/this week/this month to bring you happiness, what would it be?

Is there anything I could do that could make you more comfortable?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

Family, friends and carers can help someone who is dying feel comfortable. But problems can happen when people have different views. Ultimately, the dying person should decide who is involved in making decisions. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

What decisions do you want to be involved in?

How involved would you like your family and carers to be in decisions about your care?

How involved would you like to be in decisions about your care?

Is there anyone you don't want to have a say in decisions about your care?

What do you not want your family to decide?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

Checking in with a carer who is caring for, or who has lost, a loved one can cause anxiety. But you don't have to guess what their needs are. Often it's best just to ask. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

What do you want help with?

What don't you want help with?

What do you want to do on your own?

Could I call or visit you at a later time?

Is there anything I could do to make it easier for you?

Would you like someone else to respond for you to offers of help?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

End of life care is about living well until you die. The most important things are not the same for everyone, and every moment matters. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

Is there anything you want to do?

How do you want to spend your time?

Is there a place or person you want to visit?

Is there a person you would like to call?

Where would you like to be? What would you like around you?

What parts of your routine bring you happiness?

What parts of your routine make you uncomfortable?

Would you like to do any new activities with other people?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

Most people agree that, at the end of life, it's important to talk about their preferences for care during this time. But only a quarter of people actually do talk about it. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

If your condition gets worse, what would you like me to do?

Is there anyone who needs to know about your condition?

Have you thought about where you would like to be when you die?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

Illness can affect how someone feels about intimacy and relationships. Many people find it hard to start talking about it. Surroundings and changes to your body can affect how you feel about your sense of self, your sexuality and your relationships. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

Would you like to talk to someone (for example, outside your immediate circle) about how you're feeling about yourself, your body or your relationships?

Is there anything worrying you about your symptoms or your body? Do you want to talk to someone about it?

What's important to you right now about intimacy / our relationship?

Are there certain times of day you feel more able to be intimate?

What types of intimacy do you feel like at the moment?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

It's natural to want to help someone with an illness, or someone caring for someone who's dying, or someone who has cared for someone who has died. For some people accepting help, and feeling okay to decline help, can be hard. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

Is there anything specifically that you would like help with?

What don't you need help with?

How are you doing with managing X aspect of your life?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

What gives meaning to people's lives is as diverse and unique as people are. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

What gives, or could give, your life more meaning?

What has made your life fulfilling?

Is there someone you would like to talk to?

Is there something in particular you want to do today or this week or soon?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

Feeling strong, comfortable and happy are big factors in people’s mental wellbeing and therefore their experience of illness and the end of their life. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

What gives you strength?

What makes you feel strong?

Is there anything that could help you feel at your best right now?

What has made you feel good or comfortable lately?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

It's very common to feel fear at one time or another when confronting illness or death. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

Do you have any fears or concerns about the end of your life or dying?

What are you scared of?

What frightens you about your situation?

What worries you the most?

How can I help you feel more relaxed or comfortable?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

Some people like to be involved in every decision about their care. Some people prefer to leave it to others. The most important thing is that the person who is dying gets to have a say and be as in control as they want to be. Here are some examples of things to think or talk about.

Try asking:

What decisions do you want to be involved in?

What decisions would you prefer to leave to others?

Are there any treatments or procedures you really don't want?

Are there any areas of your care you don't really want to know about?

Are there any parts of your care that you want to know more about?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

Families and friends are an important part of many people's lives. Some relationships can also be difficult. Here are some ways to start a conversation and give someone a chance to talk about which people are most important to them right now.

Try asking:

Is there anyone who needs to know about your condition?

Who would you like to be with you in your final moments?

Who are your closest, most trusted family members or friends?

Who would you like to know about your care?

Is there anyone you don’t want to know about your situation?

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.

Select a topic

If you had to decide whether to die at home or in a hospital, which would you choose?

Try asking:

If you had to decide whether to die at home or in a hospital, which would you choose?

Does anything about dying in hospital worry you?

Does anything about dying at home worry you?

Have you thought about where you would like to be when you die?

What would you like in your final moments? (Such as music, readings or prayer.)

Remember: These prompts are to give the other person an opportunity to talk if they want to. If they don't want to talk, that's okay. Let them know you are there for them when they need you.